It is not so uncommon to experience the suffocating feeling of being alone even when you are with the one! The words “taken for granted” and “neglect” are thrown into the fray when this topic comes up. But does it have to become so painful?
A person that I know closely, whom I will call Sarah, was just telling me the other day that she was disappointed with how the beau was treating her. “He seems so far away and I can’t stop myself from getting bogged down”. The waterworks gradually broke through and it became an impossible task for her to recover. The memory being the perfect devil that it is, took the liberty of bringing up each and every moment of the past where she had felt this way. She had found the perfect man who was both her friend and lover. But that day, serious doubts were settling in.
The dawning of loneliness in a relationship can be a complicated phase. It doesn’t necessarily mean that things are taking a turn for the worse. Although, I have to add here that, in a few cases, it could actually be a case of true “neglect” on either side. A bitter truth is that love can be wonderful in breaking through ego boundaries leading to a union of two people but also leads to a feeling of inescapable separateness.
As I tried going over in my mind, why she was feeling this way, it came to me that we are often told that happiness is something external to our souls. We all dream of falling in love, building the dream house or getting the right job. But once we reach this level, something other “need” takes it place and our reactions to these needs are uniquely weird at best. For instance in this case, she was trying to squeeze more juice out of what she already had.
As we spoke further, she came to realize that she was an expert at putting others first but she didn’t want to be second to anyone. Then she began questioning her basic assumptions of her relationship. She wanted to feel important to her beau, but the moment she felt lonely, her trust in him began to crumble. Then the words slowly popped out ‘ Feeling alone is getting closer to myself ‘.
Alone time without the feeling of self-pity is extremely fertile. If the feeling of loneliness bothered her too much, she could always check in with her beau and get her doubts settled. Now she had more energy and time to focus on other things that made her happy as well. Though this sort of “selfishness” was new to her, she was willing to learn.
P.S Sarah is still learning and this post is a means to that enrich that effort 😉