Lonely In Love?

It is not so uncommon to experience the suffocating feeling of being alone even when you are with the one! The words “taken for granted” and “neglect” are thrown into the fray when this topic comes up. But does it have to become so painful?

A person that I know closely, whom I will call Sarah, was just telling me the other day that she was disappointed with how the beau was treating her. “He seems so far away and I can’t stop myself from getting bogged down”. The waterworks gradually broke through and it became an impossible task for her to recover. The memory being the perfect devil that it is, took the liberty of bringing up each and every moment of the past where she had felt this way. She had found the perfect man who was both her friend and lover. But that day, serious doubts were settling in.

The dawning of loneliness in a relationship can be a complicated phase. It doesn’t necessarily mean that things are taking a turn for the worse. Although, I have to add here that, in a few cases, it could actually be a case of true “neglect” on either side. A bitter truth is that love can be wonderful in breaking through ego boundaries leading to a union of two people but also leads to a feeling of inescapable separateness.

As I tried going over in my mind, why she was feeling this way, it came to me that we are often told that happiness is something external to our souls. We all dream of falling in love, building the dream house or getting the right job. But once we reach this level, something other “need” takes it place and our reactions to these needs are uniquely weird at best. For instance in this case, she was trying to squeeze more juice out of what she already had.

As we spoke further, she came to realize that she was an expert at putting others first but she didn’t want to be second to anyone. Then she began questioning her basic assumptions of her relationship. She wanted to feel important to her beau, but the moment she felt lonely, her trust in him began to crumble. Then the words slowly popped out ‘ Feeling alone is getting closer to myself ‘.

Alone time without the feeling of self-pity is extremely fertile. If the feeling of loneliness bothered her too much, she could always check in with her beau and get her doubts settled. Now she had more energy and time to focus on other things that made her happy as well. Though this sort of “selfishness” was new to her, she was willing to learn.

P.S Sarah is still learning and this post is a means to that enrich that effort 😉


Prince Charming

Prince Charming – an idea that I admit has always appealed to me since my childhood. As part of growing up, I understood that these men weren’t real, but something about what they represented always stayed with me. All the reruns of the Disney movies would end in the prince & princess strolling off in sunset to a happily ever after. He was a prince in my opinion since he cherished his girl like she was the only one, and understood that the girl loved him wholeheartedly. 

The storyline leading up to this magical ending is of course fantasy where the couple feel an instant connection and a realization that they are meant to be together forever. But in real life, this is not to be the case entirely. I believe that relationships are a product of time. Even the friendships that have been forged over years take time. It is always part of the bargain that one talks, tries to understand and then make a conscious choice to include them in one’s life.

 It is a jungle out there. Everybody is looking for that elusive ‘one true love.’ People are willing to try anything — from crystal ball gazing to the Ouija board — to land a dream partner.

 True love is another word that is casually thrown around with Prince Charming. I have actually heard a few people say ‘Oh, Prince Charming is an absolute must to find true love’. It is probably the idea of being with someone who is so dreamy and handsome that the love attains perfection? I never understood the reason to glorify love in such a fashion.

 It’s important to stop searching for the kind of Prince we were always sold, I think. It’s imperative to stop thinking of love as something that happens in a moment, all in the beginning. But I think that the idea of a Prince Charming that you construct, bit by bit, is one of the more great things we can aspire to. Instead of rejecting the idea entirely, you can choose, every day — to amplify the qualities you love and accept the ones you don’t so much, to smooth your vision with compassion.

 No, this is not called settling down. This is merely an attempt to open your eyes to the one who is already in your life.